love-bombs.

2012-01-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

[wordplay]

2011.
shed the skin, become whole again
simple and cruel
when i want you i could scream it
there it is again,
the fluttering
are you still a good man in your dreams

i saw it coming,
so why?

2011-11-20T16:56:00.000-08:00

snow.
driven blind

i saw it coming, so why?
why did i let it?
sometimes i want to believe
but
i hesitate
i pull back
i push away
but this time... i did not want that
the warmth was astounding
the smile was genuine
the pounding in my chest
much the same
but timidly i approached it
gently, i reached out
with questioning eyes
and trembling fingers
"please don't drive me blind"
not again
not if i let you in

foolish heart of mine
tricked twice

the forever games continue...

2011-08-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

good man.
are you still a good man in your dreams
or do demons follow you under?
facades expire
there are places where they
don't apply
transparent and
vulnerable
what is the first thought?
what is your first remorse?
good man that you are
do you ache with us?
the ones in passing,
the ones that weren't supposed to stay
good man that you are
it all seemed sincere
it's an on and off switch
use it when necessary
you told me that, good man.
so turn this off permanently
i don't know how the others remain
i have no patience
i want to erase it all, the good man i knew
the sad man you became

2011-08-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

say, days...
there it is again, the fluttering
why should i
believe in you now?
the words are perfect, the
affection is welcome
just like before
just like those nights some long ago summer
hand in hand
heart to heart
cute
like vomit
i want it again
i want you, again
"don't go and leave me"
don't taint another season
and please don't drive me blind

*lyrics - Placebo - "Blind"

2011-08-03T04:16:00.000-07:00

want.
when i want you i could scream it
but deaf ears and
blind eyes and
cold hearts have been beating steadily,
not for me
i want you, i could scream
i hear too well,
and my vision is correct(ed)
my heart... i let it thaw
i take it back
shake it off like the dreams after sleep
but it doesn't work like that does it?
shake it off
forget your feelings, i did!
forget those moments, i did!
it doesn't work
one change isn't all change
but that... those are words
and they are but vague things
i want the one that passed by, the past one
just for a moment
i don't ask much or need or bother (lord knows i try)
but this
summer again
i want the one from the past that passed by
why do you cling to a sinner?
i am that

secrets are so fine
lies never are
where do you draw the line?

indubitably, ambien amber.

2011-06-03T11:24:00.000-07:00

pause.
piecing together who i used to be and who i am now. who am i, really? the girl who claimed to rule the kingdom of snow? the subjects never mastered obedience so how could i rule? the snow kingdom, my heart, my sanity. keeping close watch. keeping cold. i let go. i decided that was best. i can't shut everyone out and stay frozen forever. live and learn, right? waste time and get wasted, right?

i'm not so sure.

but now, lesson's learned. let go of control. i can't know everything. i can't predict everything. stop and enjoy the unknown.

i may not be the dark song they sing. i left that behind. i can truly say that in this moment i am not waiting, i am not wasting. summer bled to autumn and the leaves all fell and scattered, as they always do. i grew colder with the steady approach of winter. everything died and i retreated. step back and wait, little one, colder times are always ahead. pause.
ice melted away and the seasons changed yet again. who are you, really?
i'm not standing with outstretched arms, i'm not satisfied by the sensation of fingertips. i'm not the monster.witch.queen. i was, i don't wish for their demise. i don't wish for their acknowledgment or repentance. i'm not fit to condemn.

pause.

who am i, really?
i'm learning again.

2011-04-10T14:39:00.000-07:00

feels fine.
simple and cruel
soon there will be blood, i feel it.
and ice follows after

2011-02-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

creatures. for a time.
shed the skin, become whole again
i went to the river and
closed my eyes to the stars
"i will get through this"
a promise "through right or rite"
water, no tears
whispers of deviation - i was never evil
no
i've always been
it lies dorment until provoked
the plates shifted and the seasons changed
i expected a different outcome when the leaves finally cleared
all i found was cold, surrounding
i surrendered
a previous lesson learned: wasted efforts lead to time wasted
but no, i wanted to believe
i wanted
in the end it's always the same
lust, lies and compromise
is this just a fluke? a queen isn't so easily decieved
i went to the river and found nothing
to the mountains, closer to the sky
closer to home
and then i remembered, only when gazing down upon the useless beings
creatures remain as such
it's better to not let go, it's so easy to get caught up
i want to wash it all away, once again
forever games
endless games
i never learned how to play well with others
i never learned what the end feels like as it approaches
just the bitter taste of its arrival
lust
i meant all of it
i always do
"so tell me, where did i go wrong?"
pleading with the stars, no twinkle, no more
they burn on, into oblivion
"can i burn alongside you?"
lust
"can i reach you at all?"
extending limbs and opening my heart a little more each go round
"i meant everything"
wash it away, burn it away
i don't like being so cold but it's the only way to be
lies
karma is two-fold
to restore balance
wrongs, willing, knowingly
flesh is never worth the end
lies
"liar!"
i cried
"betrayer!"
i cried
compromise
juliet, the queen of snow
all i know is poison. i seek it, i bleed for it.
and how do you feel?
that's all i got?
questions for questions
accusations for questions
compromise

shed the skin, become whole again.

2011-01-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

love-bombs. IV

[sb,nb]

Praying for myself
these thoughts I try to hide
I have faith in me and hope this will survive.

But it's tearing me apart.

I can't hear the words by which i guide,
so I must ask again
"who will carry me?"

I will not deny that nothing can defend
from the helplessness that's cutting deep inside, and I cannot prevent
the thought that nothing's real
seems I'm waiting years for this day to end.

The strength I need to feel, the pride inside of me,
are not there behind the face staring back at me
the anger and the pain of knowing where I am
I have come so far and I cannot return.

Nothing I can do that I have not done.
No words I can say. No truth left that I can see. So must I let this end?
So everything falls apart,
before I live my life as I have always done.

Tell me what to do so I do nothing wrong.
Something I can hope for. Something real that I can see.
So nothing falls apart. So that it does not end.
I cannot return. I can't start again

FOURTEEN.

The queen of snow returned. It was a long time coming. I wanted to thaw this heart. I wanted to believe. But it's better to be cold, it's better to stay frozen.
So many lessons, so many choices and directions to go. And the one that I've learned this time is that sometimes I need to be the one to walk away. I need to be the one to let go. I need to stop asking who will carry me.
I need to carry myself.

"Let them laugh and live on" she says "you know how it ends."
I knew it then.
I know it now.

I will carry myself.

*lyrics - "Rubicon" - VNV Nation

2010-12-20T22:50:00.000-08:00

[wordplay]

2010.
this life is but a
poor sweet fragile child
his memory is short
pure white
the moon
spooky straws and spilled margaritas
it is an amazing transition
(and) love is for saps
blossoms thrive, sun shines
I find myself
I pleaded
I'm back to my old antics
it's so sad how strong and sure I feel
softer now, slower now

2010-12-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

bite back.
Frost. Biting noses and quickening breath. Every motion exact, every exhale is visible, distinct. There is an exit, find it, we're done here for now. Seek warmth and comfort. Frost. Biting tress, glazing them, lending a shine. Concrete becomes colder and the sun closer (impossible to hold). Stop. Wait! Hearts thumping in chests behind walls, behind sweaters, behind coats, layers. Inner layers and outer layers. The ticking of the clock rivals the steady pace. Thump-pause-thump-pause-thump. A pause, not a tock. I'm human after all. Flammable and susceptible to the cold. I forgot about the stars, I forgot about the moon. Off track and out of step - never again.

"Fall back in, little one, crawl back in. I'll hold you, I'll hide you. For as long as it takes." The queen of snow awakens, opens her eyes and smiles. "It's best to stay frozen, I tried to warn you... but you wanted to believe." Cold again, frozen again. But breathing is steady. I don't need the kingdom or the crown, there's no blood or deception here. Patience?

"Let them laugh and live on" she says "you know how it ends."
I do.

2010-12-02T22:36:00.000-08:00

softer now.
softer now, slower now
sometimes it's needed
breathing is essential
bypass the concrete
because as you know
it is never kind
such redundancy
simply because it's become apparent
I haven't retained
this concept
or the reality of it
but then there are moments
comparable to planets aligning
or snow falling
beautiful, simple
all consuming and captivating
sometimes

but
softer now
breathe in
live

you'll ruin yourself, you know
don't pick up old habits
stop those tears
stop those thoughts
slower now
believe, accept, enjoy
life and all there is

rain, rain, not today
come back when the days are colder
for now, just breathe

softer now, slower now
safer now

2010-11-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

it’s so sad how strong and sure i feel
yet so unsure

i don’t let many things get me down
i surprise myself with how positive i actually am
i don’t worry about things that matter to most, things that seem crucial
i worry about the inconsequential
the trivial
and yet the matters of the heart

“what heart?”

ha, i was robotic
i went through the motions
and fake a mighty convincing smile
then i learned
that without a doubt
there is a difference
there is a feeling
and if you ignore that
you must enjoy forever games
and doubt

hold on, do not let go
do not let go
please

should’ve done something but i’ve done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

should’ve said something but i’ve said it enough
by the way my words were fading
rather waste some time with you

and it keeps repeating, will you please complete me

*lyrics - "Blue and Yellow" - The Used
*quote - "Please" - Nine Inch Nails

2010-11-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

THIRTEEN.

I'm back to my old antics
and shaking again

thinking again
of tears and
leaves
falling
falling

because
it turned cold
and they could not withstand
not a matter of
strength
but of
will

so fall,
freely
and then retreat
much colder days
are always to follow

I thought I put an end to the forever games. I truly did. But I find myself in the familiar pattern, frozen in another moment. It never seems to get easier, in fact each year rivals the last. The faster and harder I fall, the faster and harder I hit. But to shield myself from it seems senseless. Is that the lesson to be had: hide yourself, save yourself? I am not particularly fond of this broken, empty feeling. Or the tears flowing freely despite my efforts to control them and myself. But it's the reason behind it that I'm willing to persist. They always make you feel different. People. It's never the same but there's always something special. I don't go for the cliché, I always dig deeper. So really, what is this point, this moral? I'll wait for the leaves to stop falling, for the calm to settle. Just before the snow things sort themselves out. I can only hope.

now back within yourself
home
hide yourself
and stop those tears
rain is behind you
and you knew to never let them in

2010-11-07T23:54:00.001-08:00

eyes opened wide.
i pleaded
don't leave me

instead of blind i'm left with my eyes wide open
burning once again with tears i refuse to cry
not yet, not yet
hopefully not at all

no
she'd say
you know the way out
if i knew that
if i truly knew that
i'd find it and flee this place

growing bored once more with flesh and bone
and pain
i can do without all of it
but for you i will keep trying

and honestly
because
if you aren't right
i don't see the need to try anymore

2010-11-05T04:54:00.000-07:00

so familiar and overwhelmingly warm
this one, this form I hold now
embracing you, this reality here,
this one, this form I hold now, so
wide eyed and hopeful
wide eyed and hopefully wild

parable.
I find myself
free
I pulled myself from the dream
from you
I found my way
to the shore
I found my way
a new set of eyes
a new smile
a new embrace
and a feeling
just as new

acceptance
contentment?

leaves falling once more
and there is no one that I've ever wanted more
to have, to hold
no one that I have ever wanted in a pure way
such as this
no lust, no lies
no compromise
my own shortcomings and doubts
based on previous encounters
and experiences

I will those away with the wind,
always colder, always wilder
still
away, with the leaves

away

maybe this is the notion I denied
maybe this is what I dream of at night
maybe, it just may be
the past
I stare into my cup and forget
stars as my witness

forever games have to come to a stop
I forget you
I refuse to run in circles once again
I forgive you
everything easier said
hardly done

I forget you

we barely remember what came before this precious moment,
choosing to be here right now
hold on, stay inside
this body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
this body makes me feel eternal
all this pain is an illusion

*Lyrics - "Parabol" by Tool

2010-10-11T21:16:00.000-07:00

toiletry.
blossoms thrive sun shines
blood runs thick along your lies
but the sun shines upon your ties
and binds them, breaking what they were
no time to see you cry
and my tears are lost to you
i say that i'm okay
and you always believe me

Drunk poetry, 'nuff said.

2010-09-30T17:46:00.001-07:00

lullaby.
It's only times like these that I realize what I want to say. When I can stop, think and breathe. I m a truly selfish creature, this has been previously established but only now is it sinking in. Bruise her, free yourself only applies to me? I can freely hurt others so long as it satisfies my wants and needs? So concerned with the thoughts he may have, the things he may feel and the others he may say the same to. Sadly, that is what I am used to: the chase. But when you break it down "the chase" is nothing more than letting fake feelings justify the misbehavior of another. Being ignored made me love even more. It's all a game of hide and seek. You run, you hide. I seek, I stay. My pitiful lullaby can never be the cure. Be still, be calm, be quiet now my precious little boy. Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more. I am a wreck. Trying to decide is this what the situation dictates or is this more? My indiscretions never come into account. He must want to leave me because I'm not good enough. That's how it always goes. I've never felt good enough, I've never felt like I'm anything beyond a comfort to those that are broken. I always find the broken ones, the unavailable ones. Always. But I held onto something like hope... that someday, someone would care. That I'd be more than good enough, more than just an option. Breaking out of that mindset is hard. It's easier to doubt than it is to believe. But now the season has changed, the leaves are soon to start falling once once. And I believe I finally found what I've been searching for. It caught me off guard and I realized I was in deeper than I meant to let myself get. But... I am just fine. If I learn to let go, I'll learn that this is something good. Something worthwhile. I know that, I never questioned that. I want you, only you. And if I need to wait and stay, I know it's worth it.

don't go and leave me
and please don't drive me blind

* quotes - "Lullaby" by The Cure
- "Blind" by Placebo

2010-09-29T17:55:00.000-07:00

a waking kiss
a promise made
another stranger in your bed
draws me away
something to behold
a symptom of the flesh
fire for the soul
a gift from the heart
it will leave you cold
singled out
for your infection
chasing games
to gain attention

you're far far far far deeper than you'll ever know
heed this...

I fell. Deeper than even I realized. Harder than I wanted to. It's so difficult to hold onto happiness, to believe that it is possible.

Let go. Just let go.

* lyrics - "Deeper" by Rosetta Stone

2010-09-14T16:45:00.000-07:00

love-bombs. III

right one.

no stranger to tears
no stranger to irrational fears
no stranger to you
thinking the unspeakable i'm craving to do

can't stop
coming down
don't give it away, don't think it outloud
something to say
something profound

I'm reminded of much colder days, when my only comfort was a hello kitty blanket, sedatives and deadboy & the elephantmen on repeat. If this is hell then I'm lucky. I agreed with that sentiment. If this is the worst it gets I'll count my blessings. that was then, that was inescapable I thought. How would I ever be ok? "don't seem like no sun exixts that eclipse this" No, I certainly didn't believe there was. And then again. And again. Locked in this endless pattern of hope and disappointment. They always find someone better, I'm never what they really want. But no, I learned to be stronger. Shame on them for making me feel less than, shame on me for letting them in. You've got to let the right ones in. I understand now, I'm willing now.

I need a hole to hide in, I had one
you denied it

* lyrics - "One Angel Short of Heaven" by Rosetta Stone

2010-07-11T04:15:00.000-07:00

TWELVE. Everything is perfectly fine. Not to say challenges didn't present themselves, not to say I never for a moment felt overwhelmed, not to say I didn't feel like giving up and retreating within myself. I did. But I didn't. And I am still standing, still smiling, still looking forward to all the days to come.

2010-07-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

don't dream.
love is for saps
what is it, love
at first sight?
well, is that right
if this were true it would have hit us both
knocking us back, off our feet
whispering secret lullabies in the comforting
cradle of night
pondering a hypothetical
like it is a reality
I was too afraid to dream
the lines blurred
the shirt off your back and a glow
like I've never experienced
but what can you expect when a forbidden dream
is staring you in the face
the challenge is presented
I failed
if it was love, like I felt it
you would be compelled to
reciprocate
to love me
like I deserve
a liquor fueled saturday evening could suffice
but I dreamed it just right
this wasn't what I woke up smiling to
perfection, I don't believe I aim too high
I am realistic, to a fault
I chase, wait and stay
the memory, the actuality
waking up is never easy
I don't want to pull myself from the dream
don't want to pull myself from you

2010-06-28T14:20:00.000-07:00

enamored.
it is an amazing transition
I do not know that I will ever get used to
I will remain vaguely aware that it is inevitable
but
hold firm to something
like hopes and dreams
sincere wishes that someday, maybe
I will be proven wrong
someone
something
will withstand
knowing that I am better than good enough
and more than just an option
I am someone to be considered
treated with decency
I thawed my heart
and it hits harder
the queen of snow would not falter
would not doubt
she would ice her heart
all to make it difficult for feelings
despair, confusion, remorse, longing
to penetrate
she would pick up the pieces and move on
shed but a few tears
and curse how they were wasted on lesser beings
but now it hits me faster
and I am powerless against it

emotions like waves
an ocean of hopelessness
submerging beneath its depths
unable to see the surface

where is the exit?
a timeless question
I have yet to find the answer
when does it end?
does it ever?

flailing, pointlessly

I will still get lost in those eyes
remember touching that skin
remember those lips upon mine,
and the feeling it evoked
and wanting it back
I always want everything back
questioning myself and questioning
everything
why?
and what of my dreams?
I will never understand
but I will certainly try

all the world has closed her eyes
faith worn far and thin
for all we could have done
and all we could have been
ocean pulls me close
and whispers in my ear
the destiny I chose, all becoming clear
the currents have their say
the time is drawing near
it washes me away
it makes me disappear

adj. enamored - marked by foolish or unreasoning fondness.

2010-06-23T14:36:00.000-07:00

a little love.
spooky straws and spilled margaritas
love songs being played on repeat
purple clouds dissipated, along with nerves
sloppy smiles,
but genuine ones
stumbling over words but needing to say them
everything important at the last minute
lust or longing?
interchangeable it seems
but the weight of your body feels right
and your eyes are so clear
whispering pointlessly, the music still playing
love songs
on repeat
I wish I could recall every word you said, every sigh
every breath
but I spilled the majority of the drinks
I didn't dream
at least, I didn't have an unpleasant one
I believe I drifted off, floating on cloud nine
secure in your arms
seeing that happiness is possible
however briefly
you've just got to let it find you

2010-06-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

To you whom I could never dream.
Flashes of memories, smiling as I recall each. Being reminded those times didn't hold the same value to you, the same meaning. I felt my heart flutter. No butterflies, rather poison thoughts I am no stranger to. Unavailable means safe. Means no chance. Means something desirable. I don't dare to dream. I create hypothetical situations. Ideas. Nothing to hope for. Dreaming is wasted on these things. Pain is always ready and waiting, always primed to do its educating. I've learned this. I denied it and yielded the same results. There's always been one. A dream I half way indulged in. A potential reality I completely missed. Questioning, questioning - always questioning. Never being. Never allowing the "what ifs" or "maybes." Just thinking about them after the fact. Resentful, heart broken, betrayed. And confused. I doubt myself, everything about myself, so I don't dare to dream. There are nice boys, with nice smiles, and nice kisses. I don't dare to dream of more. If I could I'd want fingers intertwined, sitting close together singing along to music we both enjoy. Art time, or creative time in general. Reading, separately or together. Holding hands in the park. Bike rides at twilight when the sky is an assortment of colours. My heart would always beat normal. My breathing would resume, just as a normal persons. If I could dream I'd make it all perfect. I wouldn't need to create an itch just to scratch it and leave a permanent reminder. I wouldn't have to cry hysterically for no apparent reason. I wouldn't lie alone at night and listen to Tool on repeat and think of how alone I am. I choose not to dream because I chose life. And everything that comes along with it.

2010-06-02T17:45:00.001-07:00

don't fret precious, I'm here
step away from the window
go back to sleep

the moon
my guardian
gazing upon the new kingdom
beaming with approval
"no mistakes, my sweet
no regrets"
no right, no wrong
just life
"continue on little one,
you are just as you should be"

safe from pain and truth
and choice
and other poison devils
see, they don't a give fuck about you
like I do

I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from a will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices (daughter)
they're one in the same, I must isolate you...
isolate and save you from yourself

2010-06-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

gasoline.
pure white
pure night
memories drift back like a dream
sleeping
with eyes wide open
my heartbeat resembles something normal
something I was once far from being
tyranny
exile
rediscovering myself, my loves, my hopes
and dreams
stars burn
always the same brightness
the same fire
the kingdom of snow behind me
never forgotten

2010-05-25T19:10:00.000-07:00

[wordplay]

2009.
my tears seem to remember you
loss, like ice leaves you
tonight I just knew
unravel and stay
think why I
one?
by the sky
the castle of snow is glowing
follow her
there's nothing as true as
fire
mum is the word
the seasons bleed and blend
cold air fills my lungs
and all the world will close it's eyes
decision to stop
two fell
leaves fell
the only demise that came was my own

2010-05-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

in conclusion.
Trust your heart. Keep mind and thoughts clear. Accept, experience, learn, move on. The natural order of things. The way it should be. The way it shall be. Amen.

2010-05-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

blind.
his memory is short
and love is always over in the morning
but wind won't come to carry me away
rather push the memory aside
little do you know,
little one
you will have to face it
sooner than you realize
it captures you completely off guard
and even though you've worked hard at being
flame retardant
some things burn on

a flash of a memory
smiling under the sun
hand in hand
twilight kisses
lust, lies and compromise

but it was sweet
like a bouquet of flowers and too much candy

the rain picks up and you can think
if you can withstand the pain of loss and longing
and still dance beneath the stars
with a heart that's light
and a smile that's sincere

I forgive indiscretions
I forgive myself for giving in and
being pulled under
you're not weak, child
you are stronger than you know

2010-04-27T04:15:00.000-07:00

I always want everything back.

Poor sweet fragile child
queen to some
but you too break
ice is not glass
your determination burned it down,
the kingdom you loved so
just wreckage and waste
no use loving the dead, little one
they don't feel, not even for you
smile now
dance, twirl
you spoke of the end, my friend
you spoke of spring and nights burning with stars
what did you mean?
rather, what did you dream?

2010-04-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

if I could tear you from the ceiling
I know the best have tried

ELEVEN. Stubborn snow and cold winds went away at last. The kingdom in bloom. Fire by my side, my strength, my comfort. Flame retardant through practice and trials. I'm reminded of simple lessons. Blood, deception and endings are the only constants. Beginnings aren't promised, especially when you shield yourself from them. Less life, less lies. With beginnings come the end. Always. And yes, ultimately they are right. They are good. It takes time and perspective to come to that conclusion after twenty-three years I'm tired of this less than pure mourning. Lust, lies and compromise, as usual. After the snow and ice, after the fires, the queen is left to start anew... but... she falters. I only know how to freeze. I only know how they fall. But, I will learn to shine. I will learn they grow.

I'd fill your every breath with meaning
and find the place we both could hide

don't go and leave me
and please don't drive me blind
you don't believe me
but you do this every time

2010-03-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

thursday.
this life is but a
game, we all learn the rules
flower petals wilt

rain will come soon now
washing, carrying away
we'll dance under the sun

at last... at long last

2010-01-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

happy two year anniversary love-bombs.

2009-12-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

vermilion.
the only demise that came was my own
the past perished as I smiled and twirled
my flesh isn't flawed, my lips aren't tainted
poison in words and worlds easily destroyed
burn burn yearn

and she remains
"I never left you little one"
she says "you lost sight
and I stepped into the light"
I wanted her in the same darkness
to wipe her tears, and to see her smile
she's eternal and I'm incorrigible
I count my blessings and stars
part two I do love you
pictures once more, but the fire is distant

no more
no more

I'm not the destroyer
I'm not that monster
I'm not that witch
I'm not that queen
this is the forever season and I dance and listen
to their separate songs
"come" they both say
"live"
and I obey

2009-12-27T22:38:00.000-08:00

high monster*
leaves fell
rain fell
now finally snow
seals the previous lessons learned
like leaves indeed
no plans to go back
sunshine, for once
I shunned the sun once and all it's domain
I felt deceived, I retreated
into the dark, inside myself
and the sun shone again
and once more, the same
I refuse to retreat
I refuse to be forced out of the sunlight
darkness comforts
my sanctuary, my safe haven
I love you still
but the sun, oh the sun
it'll make sense soon

*I wrote this while high and at the time it seemed profound

2009-11-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

wait.
two fell
one strayed
one stayed
but I changed
never forget those in the past
things specific to them
their touch
their taste
their voice
memories are poison
unstoppable and unkind
a smile plays upon wretched lips
demise is fast approaching
I feel it
hurt to heal
and to feel?
I kill
but there's another
and there's the other
my heart can't take it

Don't look back, girl, unless you want the pain it brings. Never immediate but it never fails. Lesson one was hard. Lesson two broke your heart. Lesson three? You can't escape endings but now you know you can still feel, want, cry and heal. This isn't singular and we carry on. Don't. Look. Back.

Maybe I will
maybe I won't
maybe it dies
or maybe, baby, it don't
well maybe, baby, it don't

EDIT: Maybe I won't.

2009-10-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

TEN. The leaves fell faster and farther than I imagined possible. I won't be destroyed, I won't let it consume me. Equally I'll never fake a smile and I'll never tell a lie. My heart doesn't lie and feelings are always true. And so the same goes for others, I can't fault them that. Once again autumn shows it's true colours. And my heart beats slower and breath comes quicker. I'll put an end to the questions before they begin. I won't doubt myself, I won't. You spend time with lesser creatures, beings of fire, beings of ice. Sunburn, freezerburn. I strayed from my elements, from comfort. Another lesson learned, another chapter's complete. This life remains a mystery to me. I'm still breathing, my heart will regain strength and I will sit upon my throne and smile down upon you all. I see you there and I love you. I see you there and I forgive you. I see you there and I forget you. In the sun, in the sun I feel as one. Pick up the pieces and move on. No one is worth your precious tears, child. Save them for colder days. They're sure to come.

All in all is all we are. Perhaps. All alone is all we are, for certain.

EDIT: New revelation; waste time, get wasted.

2009-10-29T23:11:00.000-07:00

love-bombs.
decision to stop
forever games are for naught
leaves at the queens feet
(may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance)
and pray your heart never stops
"round we go, round again circles
play this game over again"

No.

2009-10-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

summergirl.
and all the world will close it's eyes
but you and I dream big tonight
sleep baby, let the night rush in
take my hand and watch the room spin
stars burn bright and hearts are full
sweet baby, I am whole because of you

Thank you. Life is right again.
Let us kiss and consume as
silence descends.

2009-10-14T22:36:00.000-07:00

autumn testament.
cold air fills my lungs
breathe in to suppress a scream
no tears and no rain

2009-10-02T00:33:00.000-07:00

October, rust.
The seasons bled nicely. Princes were replaced with pawns. And I sit on my throne. Frozen. To my left is a choice. To my right much the same. And just in my view, another. The road ahead or reminiscing of times past? Leaves soon to fall like snow. To paint the ground in somber tones. Hues that forever stain memories. Gazing above to the sky, my domain. Clouds, stars, rain, snow. Days pass by but the candles stay the same. Thrice for life. I'm ~~haunted~~ plagued by threes. No right, no wrong, no choice. They'll fall like leaves.

2009-08-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

NINE. Sleep never came. Perhaps naps were to suffice?

Brief moments of unconsciousness
flooded with dreams of things
beyond comprehension. And the
times awake left everything at
stake. There's her. And there's her.
AND THERE'S HER.
But what does it all mean?
Anything can seem worthwhile
if accompanied with a smile
but I never give in
unless I'm sure it's a sin

(I have to believe that sin
can make a better man)

* quote - "One Caress" by Depeche Mode

2009-08-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

nein.
the seasons bleed and blend
summer to autumn
silence consumes all
every thought, silenced
every dream, wish, hope
left to cradle nothing in cracking hands
coursed over time
cursed
fed lines like pigs in stalls
swine (no one respects)
passed along, passed by

shed tears little one
remember the sun gets closer
and colder
impossible to hold

2009-07-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

some sundays.

mum is the word

some things are best kept between memories and the stars

behind some eyes are tales of perpetual pain preceded by gain
lather, rinse, repeat

believing some day this pattern will end with success
(or pondering this hypothetical more accurately)

some sundays
it seems they're right
days go by
but still, you know

2009-06-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

EIGHT. I've come to realise the sky looks different. Sometimes the stars are a fire in the sky. Sometimes the night remains cold and dark. But scars look the same in every light. Every story, every reason is heartbreaking. "This time I... This time I..." What's more so - to know I did or to know I will? Everyone hurts, everyone searches. She said I was lost (and the beast, she's undeniable) I have yet to find my way. Home? Perhaps the search for her is futile. Some people touch your heart but for a little while and that's all you're allowed. Wanting more is dangerous. Pointless. But maybe... just maybe? Maybe not. I'm comfortable in the place I've found. A temporary home, a safe haven of sorts. But never settle, and never let them in. I've separated myself. It's all for the best. (I'm wide awake, looking at the stars, breathing deeply.) I will sleep soon, I'm sure.

2009-06-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

bombs away.
fire
everywhere
I can't escape
there's never an escape
from the heart
from wounds
from lies
but I do
I do
judge them
let them be
his heart is broken
hers is trying to mend
just let go
let me be
let this be
but no
no
she won't stop until
her castle is complete
of snow, of ice
cold
fire and ice
and it is so
fire burns bright
and blinds us all
robs us of intentions
blinds us to the damage
ice
cold
like my heart
damaged again and again
for what purpose?
fire and ice
I damn you both
you've done nothing
but
destroy
everything
always everything
maybe there's a reason
to believe in hope
don't jump, child
never let them in
but you do
and you do
this is the end
(take it, take it
all)

2009-05-20T01:23:00.000-07:00

juliet's distress.
there's nothing as true as
my blood and
my tears
all of this for you?
but I will gain strength
I will grow
powerful wings will carry me away
castle of snow

I am a monster
I am everything you wouldn't expect
it's possible to ignore it
to remain oblivious to the fact that
others still see
my lack of faith, my loss of breath
only means I gave in
willingly, freely
the people I meet
the events that take place
do they have a purpose?
or are they merely random and made to break you?
I'm so tired

2009-05-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

monster, witch, queen.
follow her
to the end
she went gladly
yes
she had to stop
dark clouds flew by
they were smart
get up, fast
spring fed flowers bloom
of winter
were born
slow as
his sky
walk upon snow
(and diamonds fell from the sky
and crowned her...)

2009-05-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

stranger, then.
it's poison, all of it. neon blue and acid bright it covers us, head to toe. radioactive with warning lables we simply discard. who needs safety when you've got a kiss on the forehead and a bullet just in case? none of it can ever be safe. none of the powder pink existence, cute comments of the new generation, no fairy dust though, no knights in shining armour or horse drawn carriages under a star filled sky. rather there are rotting corpses, dead promises and lips drenched in poison. our special type. corpses animated with no limbs. cold rooms to mask our breathing. the smoke you see isn't from me. no, it's the black smog that clouds my pores and mind. covering, covering. eyes that follow but don't see, can't convince you of anything. "love is blind" for more complicated reasons. I hold hands with a skeleton, bones caressing my flawed flesh, just like your touch, your words, your will. flawed; wrong. can you nurse the bitemarks and bruises? can you restore holy places to their original format? no. can you find a vaccine? I need to get these thoughts and memories out of my system for good. relationshits, lies, property - the pretense of it all is cute, like vomit. we are owned and branded like cattle. well, "moo, motherfucker" I'm loyal to you. see these marks and these scars? all of this for you. I stomp on the eggshells you've strewn about. quiet? never. secrets never sat well with me. fuck your quiet (and your couch) I was born to raise hell and tear you apart. but everyone succumbs to temptation and your are my biggest sin. I can't find victory in your pain. and all of this comes easier than saying three solid words, the most complex to say and mean and to feel. I love you my pigglet. my sweet swine. my living nightmare. my one and only mistake. and the mistake was loving you. if I blink fast enough it'll be over in flashes. but I keep my eyes wide. I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. even when it's futile. even when death sounds better than anything I've ever tried. even when my heart has broken into a million pieces I'll still moo, only for you. love is like that. cute - like vomit. with all the added appeal. all signs say "go" but I'm stupid, in love. moo, motherfucker, MOO.

update: the pig has been sent to slaughter
goodbye beast

2009-04-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

SEVEN. Disappear... when will this all disappear? I am better than anything that I am subjecting myself to. This isn't the tragedy I imagine it to be (winter was merely prolonged and I was distracted by the snow). Choice and consequence. I've always stood for that, I believe that's all there is. But I will admit this: I made a mistake and I honestly regret it. To think I could love, to think I could be loved. Every moment, every single tear I ever shed. Forget it all. I need to stay sedated in order to keep this mindset. How sad.

Pieces will mend and pigs get what they deserve. Patience, for now.

2009-04-01T01:10:00.000-07:00

a queen no more.
the castle of snow is glowing
but
she stops...

2009-03-18T03:24:00.000-07:00

love-bombs. II

[magnet poetry]

a queen of snow.
by the sky
her castle of snow
she stops believing
smart child
but moon fed and spent
they smile and cry,
"winter flies by, my sweet
so jump,
get out"
she always questions why

2009-03-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

bruise, too.

one?

no, not nearly enough

This is something I must expand upon at a later date. I've neglected love-bombs. and I am sorry. But soon, soon.

2009-02-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

[magnet poetry]

wrong.
think why I
stop you
none of it is
sad
true urge is gone
you and I
ache with want
but it is not love

2009-02-01T03:29:00.001-08:00

Happy one year, love-bombs.

SIX½. I will convince myself of anything in order to maintain my sanity. Nothing else matters. Not fact nor fiction. Patience and persistence will get you everywhere in this. I deny blue, and I will also remember the second time I fell in love. This will haunt me I believe. I eagerly await what is next.

2009-01-24T13:12:00.001-08:00

SIX. Despite the words before and after, actions as well, I found the truth. Truth only seems to exist in the space that barely exists between you and I. The words spoken then are the only ones that matter. You cannot deny, there's no hiding, no lying. I know love - not just as a concept, but a tangible thing. The feel of your skin, the quickness of breath. This is love, still sordid, but more substantial than anything I have ever known. More painful as well. The end is always the hard part. (Yes all the endings are all right?) Breaking out of the spell, consciousness taking hold once more. Silence safe and swift - the best bet is to let sleep take you away. Sleep. Silent hours side by side. Love or circumstance? Because our only truth (only love?) is between what we don't say... how could this be so? Circumstance. How is it with another, hm? One you say you love. It's very clear to me then: we are never to be free from sin. An appropriate summation; the greet, the meet, the kiss, the fight, the break, the tears, the lies, the knife. Non-fiction romance, full of pain and promise. Uncompromising and real. Real doesn't exactly indicate that it should be pleasant. Real is just that.

I am learning to accept this.

*quote - "The Messenger" by Sky Eats Airplane
*allusion - "The Endings" by Blindside

2009-01-21T17:10:00.003-08:00

[wordplay]

I thought it would be interesting to take the first line of each poem I wrote in love-bombs. over the course of 2008 and compile them, making a poem of their own.

2008.
a body
flowers that he gave
diamond ice on tree
I loved myself
she said kill
cling to me in the darkness
you break me each time
wilted rose petals
rain kiss goodbye, soft
past turns to future
fire in the sky
red moon bleed bright now
breathe
to whisper against his lips would be unholy and beautiful
dark night skies shine through
chaste kisses turn impure
we could dance in rain and
they ask you after
heart eater
this time it's for good
just so you know
the past cannot last
love must be this way

I also felt as though this would have interesting results reversed.

2009-01-19T23:07:00.000-08:00

progression.
unravel and stay
our fingers trace the sky now
forgetting we cry
(remember, we live)

2009-01-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

[5 7 5]

and tonight.
tonight I just knew
everything coming to close
breathe deep - almost there

2009-01-09T03:08:00.000-08:00

loss, like ice.
loss, like ice leaves you
frozen
numb to the concept
of hope?
something beyond that
something darker and more compromising

memory and not feel
I trace over the places
your hands once lay
hoping to recreate
but it's never the same

'Another', I think, 'another should suffice'
but the butterflies dissipated
and my heart remained closed
and just as cold

loss, like ice
is beautiful in certain light
certain settings
times, places, moods

like ice
it goes away
when the seasons change

[winter is almost over, thankfully. this lasted entirely too long.]

2009-01-04T03:35:00.000-08:00

tenth.
my tears seem to remember you
they flow in flashes
your smile
your eyes

I remember you
all of you
everything

and silent times
together, the only times
the clock ticks
loudly
not quite like your breathing
certainly not like my heart

love sick
I know it from head to toe
I know it
love means pain
my tears remember you
and in those moments I love you more
your voice
everything

and all I want is
you

2008-12-30T02:37:00.000-08:00

[5 7 5]

endings or beginnings.
love must be this way
another's arms just won't do
only pain from you

2008-12-29T13:40:00.000-08:00

[5 7 5]

notion;nightfall.
the past cannot last
night cleanses us of all sin
stars explode without

2008-12-28T14:48:00.000-08:00

FIVE. A calm has settled. Surely, not for all. Within myself I am at peace. Confront your demons, child. Listen and learn. I have, in an unnecessary way it would seem. To say something is necessary or otherwise would mean worth was placed upon it. Who are we to call the shots? I imagine (like all things should be) that is left for us to decide. We are the only ones that can honestly say one way or the other what is right. Worth? Yes. Success? Yes. Our own doing. Our own judgment. I cannot condemn others for choices they have made (or will make, for that matter). If this were true I couldn't be angry with anyone. I am not. For a time I was seething. Why? Because I could. I do everything I can simply for that reason alone. Seems a selfish way to live... but I can admit to myself that I am a selfish creature. Are there none left with innocent thoughts? I believe I have set my very first goal.

2008-12-26T16:07:00.001-08:00

[prose]

Beast, pigs and a bouquet.
My life was simple.
Always consisting of two individuals - the beast and the other. (Swine, swine, swine) Even now, that holds true.

How can I describe the beast?
Do you understand power? The reason is simple: the pull is strong. The power to lift creatures up and bring them to their knees in the same instant.

And my life? Simple, yes, but it has been twenty two years of let downs. The more you care, the more it hurts. It hurt to give up the sky. There was light in those days, only but a year ago. Out of my realm of earth and sea... darkness comforted me, cradled me. I know now where I belong, and equally where you belong. (The past, the light, just out of reach...)

I am holding out my hand, reaching for your fingertips. Even if I can hold onto just that bit of you I would be content. (A happy pig, indeed)

And now there is still another. What to do with this one, hm? (let go, save them) With as much harm and damage as they believe they are capable of, I cause much worse. I was loved for a reason, it was seen within me. The coldness that very few possess. Evil? Perhaps. Not quite as dramatic as you'd like to believe.

For a time I was distancing myself from everything that came between us, if only that could make up time and draw you nearer. But no, you listen and you do not speak. You are cruel. These are yet again the days where the wind blows colder (wilder, still) and I retreat within myself. Home. Clutching, clawing, the creatures cry out. We all seek salvation.

"Come to me, little one. Stand with me and watch as I destroy." Men fall to their knees (she laughs) cower and crawl (the laughter continues). Kiss her feet all you want, she is not moved. The beast, she is inevitable.

Oh, to go home.

Once again, a musing. No mention of blood, but with a direct theme of love. Rain, flower petals.

I am ridiculously predictable.
But in these days of swine and roses, I toast you, I bid you all farewell.

Good-bye beasts.

2008-11-27T19:08:00.000-08:00

and maybe just maybe.
just so you know
when there is blood
it is high time to surrender

I can not explain this logic
I can only run

I am a coward, and the worst sort
afraid to feel
or just afraid to fall?
I jumped once
twice

maybe I
will be caught one day
maybe I will
kill the lights and
maybe just maybe
I will breathe

what do you have to fear, girl?
everything

EVERYTHING

close my eyes, inhale and speak soft
"the less life I know, the less lies I'm told"
truth comes in the most obvious form

the less life I live
that's less I have to give
when I have nothing to start with
this works in my favour

the less I know
the more I grow
but in growing I'm showing
absolutely no progress

I'm progressing towards becoming a hermit
hiding from love-bombs and twilight kisses
I want neither
if it compromises my sanity
but I want both
if it will make me stronger

you have to hurt to heal
you have to die to feel
you have to bleed
just to see
it was worth it

is that a fair exchange?
pain for gain

deep down
I know
it's worth it

and maybe
just
maybe
I'll be worth more

(more than an offhand comment. more than a few hours a night [because boys are quick to forget and love is always over in the morning] more than her. more than her. more than this. more than that. moremoremore.)

the want never ceases
the greed never stops
moremoremore
everything you are
everything you've got

and maybe just maybe

you'll realise that I am worth it
all

*quote - "Side Effect" by Rosetta Stone
*allusion - "Temple of love" by Sisters of Mercy

2008-11-09T22:10:00.001-08:00

This seems significant
so please little monster, tell me about blood.

blood, the only constant
the only "saviour"

2008-11-08T00:08:00.000-08:00

FOUR. It has not quite been a year and yet love-bombs has told many tales. It has become an extension of myself, chronicling and foretelling my life. My lessons in love specifically. The beauty of it all? There is none. love-bombs is completely devoid of the happiness typical poems contain. This is all about the ugliness that lies within. The darker shades of love, the aftermath. If I were to title this it would be such. THE AFTERMATH: everything broken, everything burning. I will not be defeated, I am still learning. time pauses for none, and cold hearts beat slower than most. the concrete looks inviting (but we know, sweet child, it is never kind) I've forgotten what the truth sounds like living amongst these creatures. they are dull grey and motionless (not worth your precious time, girl) only one shines bright. painfully so. she will remain, the most beautiful girl I have ever known (the beast, she lives) they claw, yes they do. and they cry. they want to get back inside, bury themselves within you. hide yourself, close yourself, shut them out. (I told you once, little girl, never let them inside) once they are... (you learned too late) they will wreck what they can. I write only of love and blood. one in the same.

The rainy season has passed, the blossoms have all withered. There's nothing left but him and her (always her). And myself. love-bombs is a journey. I am not even halfway through.

2008-11-06T23:57:00.000-08:00

[5 7 5]

dead-hearted.
this time it's for good
only forgetting will mend
the heart drum plays on

2008-11-05T02:07:00.000-08:00

feast.
heart eater
mind reader
bleeder
leader

spell worker
witch bitch
double fast
thrice as quick
cast it now
bind him how
with sheer will

so mote it be

heart eater
soul reader
leader
bleeder
feed her

2008-10-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

[a musing, how amusing.]

the heart, the void.
I long to go home, but that is not to be found. I will shut my mouth and write quick notes (horizontally) and wait. I bleed poppies. I puke neon bright candy coated acid. I am a proper, decent girl. I like glitter and gore like other girls. Tell me something nice and I will rip your fucking head off. But I like kisses and scissors. Down on my knees now, eyes shut tight - amen. Goddess, Jesus, Satan, God send me a hot Asian - amen! I can be shallow like other girls. Because the way we look is all the matters, yes? NO. I close my eyes when they burn because I cry the sweetest tears. Acid blue. They slip by and I thank Christ for the feeling. "Yeah, motherfucker, I'm high. And I'm thankful just to be alive." What do proper girls do now? They certainly don't take pills, mix with alcohol and self-fucking-destruct. Oh right; they don't say 'fuck' either. If my pinkie was out I should be pardoned. I cannot sleep. Demons are dancing in my dreams. Do you dream in death? I should ask someone. For now I will pretend to rest my restless mind: good girl.

*quote - "Dope Fiend" by Acid Bath. (Sense a pattern?)

2008-10-13T21:00:00.000-07:00

THREE. I have changed. There is no saying whether this change is good or bad. I believe it is neither. Neither good nor evil. It is the void of such things. Denial rings clear in my head. The beast is no longer with me. But I will always remember the very moment I fell in love.

2008-09-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

away.
they ask you after
one and two and
and
the weak still cry
(blood tears, honey sweet)
sad yet mean
hit. the. sky.

2008-07-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

possibilities.
we could dance in rain and
shatter glass
we could
catch sunbeams on our tongues
and declare our love in cold death
pray to swallow the sky
pray to never die
become gods in our own right

but concrete is never kind
and your beautiful eyes always lie
hold me down and whisper
soft
"with dust on your lips
tell me, do you exist?"

paint my skin
with blue blood
pure and sinful
blue blood because red is too real
pray to never die
bleed red and bold
hold me up and
I will shine bright
bold
blood

and we could scream
and consume
together, toxic
we could sing
and it would be sweet
and only of our love
and our blood

* excerpt from "Locust Spawning" by Acid Bath used in this poem

2008-06-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

11:15 timebombticking.
chaste kisses turn impure
secrets spoken softly into the night
andIhopetogodnooneknows
only the stars bear witness
andIhopetofuckingCHRISTsomeoneknows

the soft echo of a distant rain
sounds in my ears
the last few drops pattering on the rooftop
clouds are parting
tears are falling
but not for the end of the rainy season
and not for the end of you

(Too soon, too soon. October happened, too late.)

2008-05-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

good-bye beast.
dark night skies shine through
leaves and the stem and petals
sorrow blossoms die

2008-04-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

bruise.
to whisper against his lips would be unholy and beautiful
perhaps a sin, but never a lie
one touch would satisfy my burning skin

a dance she will never have to know about

bruise her, free yourself

2008-04-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

lights out.

breathe
your
very
last

2008-03-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

[5 7 5]

bitter bliss.
red moon bleed bright now
light it up and burn it down
endings are so sweet

(part two)
fire in the sky
red moon
red night
I want to paint your portrait
and capture your soul
I want to taste your lips
and feel your heart
I want to see your eyes
and a real smile
red moon
red night
fire in my lungs
breathe the poison of love and wanting
longing to let go
longing to hold tight
red night, red moon
fire is everywhere

(And so I lied.)

2008-03-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

flesh-flowers.
past turns to future
vermillion flowers in bloom
part two, I love you

2008-03-08T13:03:00.000-08:00

you were the sky and I
the ground
you were vast;
I was equally such, but fragmented

TWO. I must redefine myself. I must find outlets, distractions, constructive past times. I shed my last tear for you. The last raindrop has fallen from the sky and I will see nothing but the clear blackness of night. We are better creatures in the dark. I will see nothing but stars shining brighter and only for me. Nature knows. I will redefine myself and become a lover. Of art, of writing, of community, of myself. I will.

You taught me the greatest lessons I could ever learn. And now I must forget you without losing you. Without losing us. Without losing myself. And thus the challenge is presented.

life is short and love is always over in the morning
black wind come carry me far away

I will shine bright as thunder. But tears and rain are behind me.

I only want the moon.

2008-03-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

sin-eating.
rain kiss goodbye, soft
grey clouds disappear at last
sorrow blossoms thrive

(the last poem I will ever write for you)

2008-02-16T21:45:00.000-08:00

strong.
wilted rose petals
rain won't fall on us today
scatter them about

[5 7 5]

fix.
you break me each time
don't mistake this for weakness
someone will gain sense

2008-02-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

dust.
cling to me in the darkness
delicate hands cover my own
and it is the same
soft heartbeats in tune
a mouth like yours shouldn't conform
lips like yours shouldn't compromise
beautiful eyes downcast
lighting the way for fools to follow
just specks of dust
cling to me and whisper your beautiful words
there are no secrets in darkness
but riddles and rhymes and fables
myths and truth
and you
fingers trace my own
heartbeats in tune
fragile smile
you will not break again

2008-02-03T23:13:00.000-08:00

[the past]
l-b. poems written in 2007

worthwhile.
settling into the natural progress
of inhaling and exhaling
in that moment
my heart is introspection
in ink
and I close my eyes for a very different reason
while silence consumes

flawless.
flawless
tossing petals aside as though
the memory itself wasn't enough
can't stand alone?
flawless
blushing and
nursing bite marks from sacred kisses
in holy places
tasting the simple expression of love
in its purest form:
pain

indulge this.
labouring too much
to think pleasant thoughts
of better times and a fuller smile
with light that reached the eyes
and extended to fingertips
submerged below the depths of the concept
live like death loves life
taking more into this void
give unto me
undying, eternal, free

liar like me.
let's reverse our roles
and you, for once, can taste the formation of a lie
as it reaches your tongue
when the thoughts merge
and for a single moment
you're a liar like me
a single moment
truth and decay exist
in the same vein as deceit
making the conscious decision to pull on the lie
rely on the lie
it's what tastes the best
liar like me you watch as
the truth decays
trust is broken
single-handedly, one sided
let's reverse our roles
and I'll be the foolish one
the forgiver
forgotten
I know for sure
you're a liar like me
you'll say
"never again" and I'll pretend to give in
and for once you'll know
you win

2008-01-24T17:49:00.001-08:00

tonight, baby, tonight
she said "kill,
and tonight you will be beautiful baby"
looking up to the stars for answers
I was met with nothing but the twinkling of death
and the cold black of night
she lies
blood makes no one beautiful
looking up I felt nothing
the wind whipped my hair and stung my eyes
tears fell not only for myself but
for the life that will be lost
in my soul searching
killing for beauty
killing for
self-fulfillment
to make myself smile
I know she will approve
her smile makes my heart skip a beat
makes my hands go cold
makes life seems worthless
every nerve is screaming for me to turn
and walk away
every breath is shallow and
and
I never listen
I dance alone listening to her song
tonight you will be beautiful baby
I will kill if only just for her
for this moment
I dance

2008-01-18T11:40:00.000-08:00

sweetie, you are a mess.
I loved myself
I loved myself so much I wrote little notes
on certain soft sufaces
reminders
I loved myself so much
I would wait and wait
keep my lips sealed until my head felt lighter
until
I could feel the sharp points
until
I heard them whisper
until concerns were voiced
it was love
and it was real
I loved myself

2008-01-17T17:05:00.000-08:00

frost.
diamond ice on trees
branches reaching out to me
finally winter

2008-01-17T03:07:00.000-08:00

petals.
flowers that he gave
slipping fast through my fingers
letting go for now

love lost.
a body
so numb to any touch but his
a heart
so cold to anyone but her
open up and let them in

watch
come and see -

they will wreck everything they can

pictures lined perfectly against the window still
where I'm tilting my head waiting for the rain
to stop
and the glass is cold but I refuse
I refuse to move
there is nothing like this
I want it all, just for a moment
pictures of the past and pictures
that I love
I will burn down this house in the morning
I will leave the pictures lying there

I will ruin you

2008-01-06T20:03:00.000-08:00

Don't Go Far Off, Not Even For a Day - Pablo Neruda

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else,
asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my deareast,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

ONE. While I may not be able to identify with this poem to the full extent of it, I do know a thing or two about longing. Perhaps I could even be considered somewhat of an expert since I have a knack for pining over the unattainable. And all the while I pose questions to myself, questions that go unanswered, largely, but nonetheless. "Why do we do this to ourselves?" Investing hope, false hope, into something that we know with a great deal of certainly will never become anything. Something that will remain just a thing; unchanging, stagnant, safe. For myself I have noticed that there is a certain level of safety in wanting something that is just out of my reach. It is safe because I will never have to deal with it. For a while 'dealing with it' was a very big issue with me. I did not know how to handle emotions I realised, not even my own. Furthermore, I couldn't deal with repercussions. It's the after that frightens me more than anything. And what happens... and what happens... and what happens...

lips so sweet and glossed with sin
curve to form certain unsavory words
"the end"
lips once so soft on mine
lips once so urgent, so kind
parting yet again to further my pain
"sorry"
is forgiveness within me?

And what I love about poetry is how words are never as they seem. There is a deeper meaning aside from the surface lines. The implied meaning. This poem is called Deception and accurately so. You were never mine, but dreams are almost as good.

2008-01-06T16:13:00.001-08:00

[haikuSLAM]

saturn and mars wait
jupiter brings her tidings
the sky filled with stars

stars are the fire
I breathe in the air deeply
gazing at the moon

moonbeams surround me
I am lost in the silence
peace falls over me

tiny drops of this
bigger thoughts and sounds like life
all things surely end

2008-01-06T16:12:00.003-08:00

[prose]

Hush little child, crawl back inside. There is nothing for you here. Move along and close your eyes, there's nothing for you to see. No burden for you to bear. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Hush, little child.

Hush little child, this world isn't big enough for you. The people are small minded and your ideals are strange to them. Strange flowers in a dead garden, brown as far as the eye can see. Hush child, and come back to me, wrap yourself in silence and wait. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.

Don't think.

Don't think.

Don't think.

Don't think.

Don't think.

2008-01-06T16:12:00.001-08:00

with poison in our veins
we dance beneath the moon
I saw the end approaching
clutching ourselves we fall
into the air
wishing the night would whisk us away
and to see brighter, cleaner
to see the stars all aligned
waiting for this moment
our time
when you and I cried in vain
the pain...
weight crushing our lungs
and blocking our souls
feeling the world stop and breathe
stop.
and breathe.

2008-01-06T16:08:00.000-08:00

even in the darkness
our whispers remain sweet
sweet like the time the sky was a hue
neither of us knew
that hour
we were alive
an urge
deep
down
inside
alive like the fire that burned our memories
and consumed the thoughts
never to be mentioned again
and still...
and still I see you
I whisper your name
ripples in the water spread and
disappear
if not for a single tear... I may not have loved you right
but I know what is wrong

2008-01-06T16:05:00.000-08:00

[prose]

I find solace in reclusion
in dissociation
in poetry
in torture
in pain

I find solace in solitude
empty rooms
3 o'clock in the morning staring at nothing
thinking of everything

This season, it's only right.