[wordplay]

2011.
shed the skin, become whole again
simple and cruel
when i want you i could scream it
there it is again,
the fluttering
are you still a good man in your dreams

i saw it coming,
so why?

snow.
driven blind

i saw it coming, so why?
why did i let it?
sometimes i want to believe
but
i hesitate
i pull back
i push away
but this time... i did not want that
the warmth was astounding
the smile was genuine
the pounding in my chest
much the same
but timidly i approached it
gently, i reached out
with questioning eyes
and trembling fingers
"please don't drive me blind"
not again
not if i let you in

foolish heart of mine
tricked twice

the forever games continue...

good man.
are you still a good man in your dreams
or do demons follow you under?
facades expire
there are places where they
don't apply
transparent and
vulnerable
what is the first thought?
what is your first remorse?
good man that you are
do you ache with us?
the ones in passing,
the ones that weren't supposed to stay
good man that you are
it all seemed sincere
it's an on and off switch
use it when necessary
you told me that, good man.
so turn this off permanently
i don't know how the others remain
i have no patience
i want to erase it all, the good man i knew
the sad man you became

say, days...
there it is again, the fluttering
why should i
believe in you now?
the words are perfect, the
affection is welcome
just like before
just like those nights some long ago summer
hand in hand
heart to heart
cute
like vomit
i want it again
i want you, again
"don't go and leave me"
don't taint another season
and please don't drive me blind

*lyrics - Placebo - "Blind"

want.
when i want you i could scream it
but deaf ears and
blind eyes and
cold hearts have been beating steadily,
not for me
i want you, i could scream
i hear too well,
and my vision is correct(ed)
my heart... i let it thaw
i take it back
shake it off like the dreams after sleep
but it doesn't work like that does it?
shake it off
forget your feelings, i did!
forget those moments, i did!
it doesn't work
one change isn't all change
but that... those are words
and they are but vague things
i want the one that passed by, the past one
just for a moment
i don't ask much or need or bother (lord knows i try)
but this
summer again
i want the one from the past that passed by
why do you cling to a sinner?
i am that

secrets are so fine
lies never are
where do you draw the line?

indubitably, ambien amber.

pause.
piecing together who i used to be and who i am now. who am i, really? the girl who claimed to rule the kingdom of snow? the subjects never mastered obedience so how could i rule? the snow kingdom, my heart, my sanity. keeping close watch. keeping cold. i let go. i decided that was best. i can't shut everyone out and stay frozen forever. live and learn, right? waste time and get wasted, right?

i'm not so sure.

but now, lesson's learned. let go of control. i can't know everything. i can't predict everything. stop and enjoy the unknown.

i may not be the dark song they sing. i left that behind. i can truly say that in this moment i am not waiting, i am not wasting. summer bled to autumn and the leaves all fell and scattered, as they always do. i grew colder with the steady approach of winter. everything died and i retreated. step back and wait, little one, colder times are always ahead. pause.
ice melted away and the seasons changed yet again. who are you, really?
i'm not standing with outstretched arms, i'm not satisfied by the sensation of fingertips. i'm not the monster.witch.queen. i was, i don't wish for their demise. i don't wish for their acknowledgment or repentance. i'm not fit to condemn.

pause.

who am i, really?
i'm learning again.

feels fine.
simple and cruel
soon there will be blood, i feel it.
and ice follows after